Jump to content

Welcome to the new Traders Laboratory! Please bear with us as we finish the migration over the next few days. If you find any issues, want to leave feedback, get in touch with us, or offer suggestions please post to the Support forum here.

  • Welcome Guests

    Welcome. You are currently viewing the forum as a guest which does not give you access to all the great features at Traders Laboratory such as interacting with members, access to all forums, downloading attachments, and eligibility to win free giveaways. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free. Create a FREE Traders Laboratory account here.

Mysticforex

Joke of The Day!

Recommended Posts

I feel sorry for the guy. If you see any recent pics, look at his eyes. It's like,

"Lights on, Nobody home".

 

Addiction is horrible and it does not discriminate between race or class.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sort of reminds me of the Pope room at Buca di Beppo LA....look it up youtube

I went there by mistake :) and it made me think - wow this is a classy joint.

 

I prefer Charlies room

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

 

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

 

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

 

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

A: They think their picture is being taken.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Motorcyclist arrested in Ulster County after doing 166 mph on the Thruway

 

NEW PALTZ – A Saratoga County man is in the Albany County Jail after he was clocked doing 166 MPH on the Thruway between Albany County and Ulster County Wednesday afternoon.

 

State Police spotted the motorcycle, operated by Nikkolaus McCarthy, 25, of Charlton, speeding on the Thruway southbound in Ravena at 12:45 p.m. A state trooper was able to get a description of the operator and license plate when the bike slowed down for traffic, but because of the high speed, the officer ended the pursuit.

 

Thruway maintenance workers provided police with updates as other troopers clocked him at various locations doing between 150 and 170 MPH.

 

When traffic slowed in the Town of New Paltz, 50 miles and 20 minutes later, he was arrested after he told police he was low on gas. He told officers his motorcycle could have gone over 190 MPH.

 

McCarthy was arrested for fleeing police, reckless driving, speeding and operating out of class since he didn’t have a motorcycle license. He is being held in lieu of $20,000 bail

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

 

 

Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?

A: Space. The final frontier..........

 

 

Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?

A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

 

 

Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?

A: Cos they've no idea of the route.

 

 

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?

A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.

 

 

Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?

A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.

 

 

Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?

A: E-I-E-I-O.

 

 

Q: How do you measure their intelligence?

A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.

 

 

It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle.

She tried putting batteries in it.

 

 

To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I heard one of my friends say the other day that his wife was using some kind of cream on her breasts to make them bigger. He told her, "Use some toilet paper. Look what it's done for your ass!".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here on TL we all like lists and new books and ideas...........

 

As you guys know I’m always looking for a way to make some extra cash. I thought I’d try my hand at writing.

 

MY NEW GOLF BOOK

 

I have recently completed work on my latest book on golf and am quite

proud of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking

friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider

information that I have gained through my 10+ years of experience.

 

> Highlights include:

>

> Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

> Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a

> Titleist from the Tee

> Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

> Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

> Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m

> Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

> Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

> Chapter How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

> Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

>

> The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS

> • A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

> • A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer

> • A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

> • A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

> • A Cuban - needs one more revolution

> • An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

> • An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

> • A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

> • A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

> • A Kate Moss - bit thin

> • A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

> • A Rodney King - over-clubbed

> • An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

> • A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

> • A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

> • A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

> • An elephant's arse - high and shitty

> • A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

> • A circus tent - a BIG top

> • A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

 

The man says "Oh just a beer".

 

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong, why are you so down today?".

 

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

 

The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

 

The man siad "Well the month is up tonight".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This one must be the joke of the year....and I am sure there will be more articles to follow.

 

Given all that has happened, from the GFC, counterparty risk, collapse in Euro countries, fighting the volker rule, MFGlobal etc; etc; etc;

 

The joke is these guys are still doing it, are bigger than ever and no matter what people say to try and defend them this sort of behaviour is what moral hazard is all about. Gotta love it......

 

highlighted exert from

Drew Built 30-Year JPMorgan Career Embracing Risk - Bloomberg

 

JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM)’s Chief Investment Officer Ina R. Drew, head of the unit responsible for a $2 billion trading loss, built a 30-year career at the largest U.S. bank by embracing risk and avoiding the spotlight.

“With everything she does, she thinks in terms of trading,” said Stephen Murray, head of CCMP Capital Advisors LLC, created from a JPMorgan private-equity unit in 2006. “There are risk-lovers, there are risk-haters, and the best traders will take the risk as long as they get paid for it.”

 

Drew’s operation, which helps manage the bank’s risk, has been transformed under Chief Executive Officer Jamie Dimon to make bigger speculative bets with the firm’s own money, according to five former employees,Bloomberg News reported last month. Some bets were so big JPMorgan probably couldn’t unwind them without roiling markets, the former executives said.

The loss disclosed yesterday came after an “egregious” investment-office failure tied to credit derivatives, Dimon said in a conference call. “In hindsight, the new strategy was flawed, complex, poorly reviewed, poorly executed and poorly monitored.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead. "We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking." They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?" "No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

 

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

 

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

 

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

 

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

 

The group was silent for a moment.

 

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

 

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

 

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

 

Then, they get to see where they're going to stay. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room manison with servants and a swimming pool.

 

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

 

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and i'm getting the finest of everything?"

 

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Come on Obsidian,

Stories on this thread are supposed to be funny!!!;)

kind regards

bobc

 

I beg to differ.

I do find it funny that Greeks do not want to stick dildos up their asses as a result of a prolonged recession. What is the world coming to. I suppose it is because they spend too much time being bent over by the government these days that a dildo just isn't stimulating enough anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I beg to differ.

I do find it funny that Greeks do not want to stick dildos up their asses as a result of a prolonged recession. What is the world coming to. I suppose it is because they spend too much time being bent over by the government these days that a dildo just isn't stimulating enough anymore.

 

 

One thing can be said about the Greeks. They never leave their friends behind.

 

 

 

 

 

A Greek man, an Albanian man, a Swedish girl and an old Italian woman are traveling on a train that has just entered a dark tunnel. Suddenly they hear a loud slap, and when the train emerges, the Albanian man has a red hand print on his cheek.

He must have groped the Swedish girl, and she slapped him, the Italian woman thinks.

He tried to grope me but fondled the old lady instead, and she slapped him, the Swedish girl decides.

The Greek guy must have groped the blonde, and she slapped me by accident, the Albanian determines.

I can't wait for another tunnel, the Greek man thinks, so I can smack that Albanian again!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

According to The Daily Mail, these are supposed to be the best jokes in the UK.

 

 

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

 

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

 

 

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

 

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

 

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity.

 

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Topics

  • Posts

    • Thx for reminding us... I don't bang that drum often enough anymore Another part for consideration is who that money initially went to...
    • TDUP ThredUp stock, watch for a top of range breakout above 2.94 at https://stockconsultant.com/?TDUP
    • How long does it take to receive HFM's withdrawal via Skrill? less than 24H?
    • My wife Robin just wanted some groceries.   Simple enough.   She parked the car for fifteen minutes, and returned to find a huge scratch on the side.   Someone keyed her car.   To be clear, this isn’t just any car.   It’s a Cybertruck—Elon Musk's stainless-steel spaceship on wheels. She bought it back in 2021, before Musk became everyone's favorite villain or savior.   Someone saw it parked in a grocery lot and felt compelled to carve their hatred directly into the metal.   That's what happens when you stand out.   Nobody keys a beige minivan.   When you're polarizing, you're impossible to ignore. But the irony is: the more attention something has, the harder it is to find the truth about it.   What’s Elon Musk really thinking? What are his plans? What will happen with DOGE? Is he deserving of all of this adoration and hate? Hard to say.   Ideas work the same way.   Take tariffs, for example.   Tariffs have become the Cybertrucks of economic policy. People either love them or hate them. Even if they don’t understand what they are and how they work. (Most don’t.)   That’s why, in my latest podcast (link below), I wanted to explore the “in-between” truth about tariffs.   And like Cybertrucks, I guess my thoughts on tariffs are polarizing.   Greg Gutfield mentioned me on Fox News. Harvard professors hate me now. (I wonder if they also key Cybertrucks?)   But before I show you what I think about tariffs… I have to mention something.   We’re Headed to Austin, Texas This weekend, my team and I are headed to Austin. By now, you should probably know why.   Yes, SXSW is happening. But my team and I are doing something I think is even better.   We’re putting on a FREE event on “Tech’s Turning Point.”   AI, quantum, biotech, crypto, and more—it’s all on the table.   Just now, we posted a special webpage with the agenda.   Click here to check it out and add it to your calendar.   The Truth About Tariffs People love to panic about tariffs causing inflation.   They wave around the ghost of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff from the Great Depression like it’s Exhibit A proving tariffs equal economic collapse.   But let me pop this myth:   Tariffs don’t cause inflation. And no, I'm not crazy (despite what angry professors from Harvard or Stanford might tweet at me).   Here's the deal.   Inflation isn’t when just a couple of things become pricier. It’s when your entire shopping basket—eggs, shirts, Netflix subscriptions, bananas, everything—starts costing more because your money’s worth less.   Inflation means your dollars aren’t stretching as far as they used to.   Take the 1800s.   For nearly a century, 97% of America’s revenue came from tariffs. Income tax? Didn’t exist. And guess what inflation was? Basically zero. Maybe 1% a year.   The economy was booming, and tariffs funded nearly everything. So, why do people suddenly think tariffs cause inflation today?   Tariffs are taxes on imports, yes, but prices are set by supply and demand—not tariffs.   Let me give you a simple example.   Imagine fancy potato chips from Canada cost $10, and a 20% tariff pushes that to $12. Everyone panics—prices rose! Inflation!   Nope.   If I only have $100 to spend and the price of my favorite chips goes up, I either stop buying chips or I buy, say, fewer newspapers.   If everyone stops buying newspapers because they’re overspending on chips, newspapers lower their prices or go out of business.   Overall spending stays the same, and inflation doesn’t budge.   Three quick scenarios:   We buy pricier chips, but fewer other things: Inflation unchanged. Manufacturers shift to the U.S. to avoid tariffs: Inflation unchanged (and more jobs here). We stop buying fancy chips: Prices drop again. Inflation? Still unchanged. The only thing that actually causes inflation is printing money.   Between 2020 and 2022 alone, 40% of all money ever created in history appeared overnight.   That’s why inflation shot up afterward—not because of tariffs.   Back to tariffs today.   Still No Inflation Unlike the infamous Smoot-Hawley blanket tariff (imagine Oprah handing out tariffs: "You get a tariff, and you get a tariff!"), today's tariffs are strategic.   Trump slapped tariffs on chips from Taiwan because we shouldn’t rely on a single foreign supplier for vital tech components—especially if that supplier might get invaded.   Now Taiwan Semiconductor is investing $100 billion in American manufacturing.   Strategic win, no inflation.   Then there’s Canada and Mexico—our friendly neighbors with weirdly huge tariffs on things like milk and butter (299% tariff on butter—really, Canada?).   Trump’s not blanketing everything with tariffs; he’s pressuring trade partners to lower theirs.   If they do, everybody wins. If they don’t, well, then we have a strategic trade chess game—but still no inflation.   In short, tariffs are about strategy, security, and fairness—not inflation.   Yes, blanket tariffs from the Great Depression era were dumb. Obviously. Today's targeted tariffs? Smart.   Listen to the whole podcast to hear why I think this.   And by the way, if you see a Cybertruck, don’t key it. Robin doesn’t care about your politics; she just likes her weird truck.   Maybe read a good book, relax, and leave cars alone.   (And yes, nobody keys Volkswagens, even though they were basically created by Hitler. Strange world we live in.) Source: https://altucherconfidential.com/posts/the-truth-about-tariffs-busting-the-inflation-myth    Profits from free accurate cryptos signals: https://www.predictmag.com/       
    • No, not if you are comparing apples to apples. What we call “poor” is obviously a pretty high bar but if you’re talking about like a total homeless shambling skexie in like San Fran then, no. The U.S.A. in not particularly kind to you. It is not an abuse so much as it is a sad relatively minor consequence of our optimism and industriousness.   What you consider rich changes with circumstances obviously. If you are genuinely poor in the U.S.A., you experience a quirky hodgepodge of unhelpful and/or abstract extreme lavishnesses while also being alienated from your social support network. It’s about the same as being a refugee. For a fraction of the ‘kindness’ available to you in non bio-available form, you could have simply stayed closer to your people and been MUCH better off.   It’s just a quirk of how we run the place and our values; we are more worried about interfering with people’s liberty and natural inclination to do for themselves than we are about no bums left behind. It is a slightly hurtful position and we know it; we are just scared to death of socialism cancer and we’re willing to put our money where our mouth is.   So, if you’re a bum; you got 5G, the ER will spend like $1,000,000 on you over a hangnail but then kick you out as soon as you’re “stabilized”, the logistics are surpremely efficient, you have total unchecked freedom of speech, real-estate, motels, and jobs are all natural healthy markets in perfect competition, you got compulsory three ‘R’’s, your military owns the sky, sea, space, night, information-space, and has the best hairdos, you can fill out paper and get all the stuff up to and including a Ph.D. Pretty much everything a very generous, eager, flawless go-getter with five minutes to spare would think you might need.   It’s worse. Our whole society is competitive and we do NOT value or make any kumbaya exception. The last kumbaya types we had werr the Shakers and they literally went extinct. Pueblo peoples are still around but they kind of don’t count since they were here before us. So basically, if you’re poor in the U.S.A., you are automatically a loser and a deadbeat too. You will be treated as such by anybody not specifically either paid to deal with you or shysters selling bejesus, Amway, and drugs. Plus, it ain’t safe out there. Not everybody uses muhfreedoms to lift their truck, people be thugging and bums are very vulnerable here. The history of a large mobile workforce means nobody has a village to go home to. Source: https://askdaddy.quora.com/Are-the-poor-people-in-the-United-States-the-richest-poor-people-in-the-world-6   Profits from free accurate cryptos signals: https://www.predictmag.com/ 
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.