Joke of The Day!

[Obsidian 10]

I wouldn't dine in a room covered with photos of charlie sheen even if they gave $250 !!

[Mysticforex 13]

I feel sorry for the guy. If you see any recent pics, look at his eyes. It's like,

"Lights on, Nobody home".

 

Addiction is horrible and it does not discriminate between race or class.

[SIUYA 11]

sort of reminds me of the Pope room at Buca di Beppo LA....look it up youtube

I went there by mistake and it made me think - wow this is a classy joint.

 

I prefer Charlies room

[Mysticforex 13]

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

 

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

 

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

 

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

A: They think their picture is being taken.

[Mysticforex 13]

Motorcyclist arrested in Ulster County after doing 166 mph on the Thruway

 

NEW PALTZ – A Saratoga County man is in the Albany County Jail after he was clocked doing 166 MPH on the Thruway between Albany County and Ulster County Wednesday afternoon.

 

State Police spotted the motorcycle, operated by Nikkolaus McCarthy, 25, of Charlton, speeding on the Thruway southbound in Ravena at 12:45 p.m. A state trooper was able to get a description of the operator and license plate when the bike slowed down for traffic, but because of the high speed, the officer ended the pursuit.

 

Thruway maintenance workers provided police with updates as other troopers clocked him at various locations doing between 150 and 170 MPH.

 

When traffic slowed in the Town of New Paltz, 50 miles and 20 minutes later, he was arrested after he told police he was low on gas. He told officers his motorcycle could have gone over 190 MPH.

 

McCarthy was arrested for fleeing police, reckless driving, speeding and operating out of class since he didn’t have a motorcycle license. He is being held in lieu of $20,000 bail

[Mysticforex 13]

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

 

 

Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?

A: Space. The final frontier..........

 

 

Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?

A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

 

 

Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?

A: Cos they've no idea of the route.

 

 

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?

A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.

 

 

Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?

A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.

 

 

Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?

A: E-I-E-I-O.

 

 

Q: How do you measure their intelligence?

A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.

 

 

It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle.

She tried putting batteries in it.

 

 

To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.

[mike21 10]

Q: What do you get when a blonde stands on her head?

 

A: A brunette with bad breath.

[Mysticforex 13]

I heard one of my friends say the other day that his wife was using some kind of cream on her breasts to make them bigger. He told her, "Use some toilet paper. Look what it's done for your ass!".

[SIUYA 11]

Here on TL we all like lists and new books and ideas...........

 

As you guys know I’m always looking for a way to make some extra cash. I thought I’d try my hand at writing.

 

MY NEW GOLF BOOK

 

I have recently completed work on my latest book on golf and am quite

proud of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking

friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider

information that I have gained through my 10+ years of experience.

 

> Highlights include:

>

> Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

> Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a

> Titleist from the Tee

> Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

> Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

> Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m

> Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

> Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

> Chapter How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

> Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

>

> The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS

> • A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

> • A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer

> • A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

> • A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

> • A Cuban - needs one more revolution

> • An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

> • An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

> • A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

> • A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect

> • A Kate Moss - bit thin

> • A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

> • A Rodney King - over-clubbed

> • An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

> • A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

> • A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

> • A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

> • An elephant's arse - high and shitty

> • A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

> • A circus tent - a BIG top

> • A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be

[khamore1 10]

@#$%$&^................

[Mysticforex 13]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

 

The man says "Oh just a beer".

 

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong, why are you so down today?".

 

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

 

The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

 

The man siad "Well the month is up tonight".

[SIUYA 11]

This one must be the joke of the year....and I am sure there will be more articles to follow.

 

Given all that has happened, from the GFC, counterparty risk, collapse in Euro countries, fighting the volker rule, MFGlobal etc; etc; etc;

 

The joke is these guys are still doing it, are bigger than ever and no matter what people say to try and defend them this sort of behaviour is what moral hazard is all about. Gotta love it......

 

highlighted exert from

Drew Built 30-Year JPMorgan Career Embracing Risk - Bloomberg

 

JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM)’s Chief Investment Officer Ina R. Drew, head of the unit responsible for a $2 billion trading loss, built a 30-year career at the largest U.S. bank by embracing risk and avoiding the spotlight.

“With everything she does, she thinks in terms of trading,” said Stephen Murray, head of CCMP Capital Advisors LLC, created from a JPMorgan private-equity unit in 2006. “There are risk-lovers, there are risk-haters, and the best traders will take the risk as long as they get paid for it.”

 

Drew’s operation, which helps manage the bank’s risk, has been transformed under Chief Executive Officer Jamie Dimon to make bigger speculative bets with the firm’s own money, according to five former employees,Bloomberg News reported last month. Some bets were so big JPMorgan probably couldn’t unwind them without roiling markets, the former executives said.

The loss disclosed yesterday came after an “egregious” investment-office failure tied to credit derivatives, Dimon said in a conference call. “In hindsight, the new strategy was flawed, complex, poorly reviewed, poorly executed and poorly monitored.”

[Mysticforex 13]

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead. "We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking." They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?" "No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."

[Mysticforex 13]

An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

 

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

 

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

 

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

 

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

 

The group was silent for a moment.

 

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

 

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

 

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[Mysticforex 13]

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

 

Then, they get to see where they're going to stay. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room manison with servants and a swimming pool.

 

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

 

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and i'm getting the finest of everything?"

 

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

[Mysticforex 13]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[Obsidian 10]

Greek sex industry battered by economic storm....

RPT-Greek sex industry battered by economic storm | Reuters

[bobcollett 10]

Greek sex industry battered by economic storm....

RPT-Greek sex industry battered by economic storm | Reuters

 

Come on Obsidian,

Stories on this thread are supposed to be funny!!!

kind regards

bobc

[MightyMouse 12]

Come on Obsidian,

Stories on this thread are supposed to be funny!!!

kind regards

bobc

 

I beg to differ.

I do find it funny that Greeks do not want to stick dildos up their asses as a result of a prolonged recession. What is the world coming to. I suppose it is because they spend too much time being bent over by the government these days that a dildo just isn't stimulating enough anymore.

[SIUYA 11]

it depends on where the sex toys are made - I hear they quite like the German ones, but hate it when there are taxes applied.

[Mysticforex 13]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[Mysticforex 13]

I beg to differ.

I do find it funny that Greeks do not want to stick dildos up their asses as a result of a prolonged recession. What is the world coming to. I suppose it is because they spend too much time being bent over by the government these days that a dildo just isn't stimulating enough anymore.

 

 

One thing can be said about the Greeks. They never leave their friends behind.

 

 

 

 

 

A Greek man, an Albanian man, a Swedish girl and an old Italian woman are traveling on a train that has just entered a dark tunnel. Suddenly they hear a loud slap, and when the train emerges, the Albanian man has a red hand print on his cheek.

He must have groped the Swedish girl, and she slapped him, the Italian woman thinks.

He tried to grope me but fondled the old lady instead, and she slapped him, the Swedish girl decides.

The Greek guy must have groped the blonde, and she slapped me by accident, the Albanian determines.

I can't wait for another tunnel, the Greek man thinks, so I can smack that Albanian again!

[Mysticforex 13]

According to The Daily Mail, these are supposed to be the best jokes in the UK.

 

 

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

 

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

 

 

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

 

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

 

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?'

[Mysticforex 13]

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity.

 

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

[Mysticforex 13]

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?