Joke of The Day!

[ricardo_sof 10]

Says the Master to his pupil: "Do you understand that you don't really exist?"

Upon which the pupil replies: "Whom are you telling that?"

[SIUYA 11]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by

a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a

couple of dollars for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and

asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of

dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man

replied.

 

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?"

the man asked.

 

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.

"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course

instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't

played golf in 20 years!"

 

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light

district instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed

the homeless man.

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the

money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by

my wife."

 

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be

furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell

pretty disgusting."

 

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to

see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and

sex."

[SIUYA 11]

COWS AND ECONOMICS

 

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

 

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

 

FEMINISM

You have two cows, she has zero cows. You get a bull and breed.

You now have zero cows, she has three cows and rights to all your future cows

 

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

 

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

 

THE RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You steal the cows from the neighboring farm and say you bought them on the cheap

The government claims you did not pay your taxes and confiscates the cows

You are lucky you are not working as a cow header in Siberia

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

[SIUYA 11]

oldies.....

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum

cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I

quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I

was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a

coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought

to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our

local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can

get one cheaper off the web.

 

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could

check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was

sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself

'that guy's heading for a breakdown.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe

that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Bugger that" says

Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do

you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the

biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my

leg!"

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she

was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my

girlfriend yet.

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the

foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine

until he stuck his index finger up my @rse! Do you think I should change

dentists?

 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking

behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get

reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would

like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the

worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[mike21 10]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYrpROr9Gmk]E-Trade Baby Loses*Everything - YouTube[/ame]

[khamore1 10]

I'm not sure if I should place this information here or under the title news of the day, here is a true story:

 

"Woman Born With Two Vaginas"

1 in a million medical conditions. Known as uterus didelphys, it can more easily be described by saying she was born with two vaginas

 

 

I sure would be happy if my wife had two vaginas

[Tams 20]

I'm not sure if I should place this information here or under the title news of the day, here is a true story:

 

"Woman Born With Two Vaginas"

1 in a million medical conditions. Known as uterus didelphys, it can more easily be described by saying she was born with two vaginas

 

 

I sure would be happy if my wife had two vaginas

 

what can you do with 2 vaginas?

 

 

[puzzled]

[MightyMouse 12]

I'm not sure if I should place this information here or under the title news of the day, here is a true story:

 

"Woman Born With Two Vaginas"

1 in a million medical conditions. Known as uterus didelphys, it can more easily be described by saying she was born with two vaginas

 

 

I sure would be happy if my wife had two vaginas

 

Why? I wish mine had none. She would have no bargaining power.

[khamore1 10]

what can you do with 2 vaginas?

 

 

[puzzled]

 

I don't know..... I never had a wife with two vaginas

Edited January 31, 2012 by khamore1

[bobcollett 10]

I'm not sure if I should place this information here or under the title news of the day, here is a true story:

 

"Woman Born With Two Vaginas"

1 in a million medical conditions. Known as uterus didelphys, it can more easily be described by saying she was born with two vaginas

 

 

I sure would be happy if my wife had two vaginas

 

Hi khamore

It sounds like you have that condition, double penislytis

regards bobc

[SIUYA 11]

This above quick non-pc talk gave me a great coffee spitting moment - thanks.

 

Last week I was introduced to two new things.

1....as it too long and varied to put in here.....google

"Goldman Sachs elevator talk" for some great non-pc one liners.

mainly - http://twitter.com/gselevator

 

2....for those not easily offended, if you can watch/go see the musical the Book of Morman from the guys at south park. Hilarious and offensive.....and yet strangely uplifting and spiritual. (If you are easily offended dont - there is no discussion to be had here)

Edited January 31, 2012 by SIUYA

[SIUYA 11]

From Texas! )

 

Subject: 2011 DARWIN AWARDS

 

EighthPlace

 

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water aftersqueezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

 

 

Seventh Place

 

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

 

 

Sixth Place

 

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when itcollapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 

 

Fifth Place

 

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

 

 

Fourth Place

 

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

 

 

Third Place

 

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, aman walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. Theshop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

 

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drewtheir guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene byParamedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases inthe shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

 

 

HONORABLE MENTION

 

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M.so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

 

 

RUNNER UP

 

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who hadcontinued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cablelay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore hisfoot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water andwas rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

 

 

AND THE WINNER IS....

 

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fedhis constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel ofberries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

 

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt tothe ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

 

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE

FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENEPOOL.

[Mysticforex 13]

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

 

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 9%.

 

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

 

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

 

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

 

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

 

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

 

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

 

COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed.

 

ABBOTT: No, that’s 9%…

 

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

 

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

 

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

 

ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

 

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

 

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

 

COSTELLO: What point?

 

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work, can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

 

COSTELLO: To who?

 

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

 

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

 

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work… Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

 

COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

 

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

 

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?

 

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 9%. Otherwise, it would be 16%. You don’t want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

 

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

 

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

 

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means they’re two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

 

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

 

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

 

ABBOTT: Correct.

 

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

 

ABBOTT: Bingo.

 

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

 

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an economist.

 

COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!

 

 

And now you know why Obama’s unemployment figures are improving!

Reply With Quote

[Mysticforex 13]

Confucius Says:

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in

front of car get tired.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Man who run behind

car get exhausted.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Man with one

chopstick go hungry.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Man who scratch butt

should not bite fingernails.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Man who eat many

prunes get good run for money.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

War does not determine who is right,

war determine who is left.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Wife who put

husband in doghouse soon find him in

cathouse.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Man who drive like

hell, bound to get there..

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Man who live in

glass house should change clothes in

basement.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Man who fish in

another man's well often catch crabs.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Crowded elevator

smell different to midget.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[SIUYA 11]

(not that funny, but a smile a day keeps the insanity away)

 

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a

construction site noticed the coarse language of the

workers and decided to spend some time with them

to correct their ways.

 

She decided she would take her lunch,

Sit with the workers, and talk with them.

 

She put her sandwich in a brown bag

And walked over to the spot where the

Men were eating.

 

Sporting a big smile, she walked up

To the group and asked, "And do you

Men know Jesus Christ?"

 

They shook their heads and looked

At each other very confused.

 

One of the workers looked up into the

steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody

Up there know Jesus Christ?"

 

One of the steelworkers yelled down,

"Why?"

 

The worker yelled back, "'Cause his

Wife's' here with his lunch."

[Mysticforex 13]

Arthur is 85 years old.

 

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

 

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

 

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten

so bad. Once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

 

His wife sympathizes. Arthur sit down, she has a suggestion: “Why don’t you

take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

 

“That’s no good,”sighs Arthur. “Your brother is ninety two. He can’t help.”

 

“He may be ninety two,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

 

 

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-

law.

 

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

 

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball ?”

 

“Of course I did!”, says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

 

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

 

“Can’t remember.”

[SIUYA 11]

They Walk Among Us - BE VERY WARY

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

 

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.

 

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

 

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

 

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

 

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

 

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

 

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

 

 

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No2

 

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us

 

that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

 

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

 

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

 

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

 

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No3

 

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the

 

Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign

 

from our road.

 

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't

 

think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'

 

 

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

 

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

 

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

 

 

From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

 

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

 

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

 

 

Happened at Luton Airport

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

 

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.

 

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

 

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

 

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

 

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)

 

 

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No7

 

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car,

 

we were told the keys had been locked in it.

 

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.

 

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

 

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'

 

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

 

 

 

 

 

STAY ALERT! They walk among us. AND THEY BREED!

[SIUYA 11]

an oldie, but a goldie.....

 

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of a coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[bobcollett 10]

Well done SIUYA

10 out of 10

regards

bobc

[Mysticforex 13]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

 

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

 

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

 

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

 

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

 

Is it........

 

A-Robin

 

B-Sparrow

 

C-Cuckoo

 

D-Thrush

 

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

 

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

 

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

 

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

 

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

 

(ringing)

 

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

 

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

 

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

 

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

 

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

 

A-Robin

 

B-Sparrow

 

C-Cuckoo

 

D-Thrush"

 

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

 

Barbara: "You think?"

 

Maggie: "I'm sure."

 

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

 

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

 

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

 

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

 

Barbara: "It is."

 

Regis: "Are you confident?"

 

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

 

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

 

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

 

(clapping)

 

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

 

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

~~~~~~~~~~

[SIUYA 11]

Smart jokes....some have been used on TL

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.)

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of

speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising

or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

 

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives

[Mysticforex 13]

Smart jokes....some have been used on TL

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.)

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of

speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising

or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

 

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives

 

That's a keeper, just saved it to notepad.

[bobcollett 10]

Dear SIUYA

I am going to borrow your paraprosdokian No. 7 ....".Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit etc".....and make it my signature.

Now I just have to work out how to do that.

Thank you for the post

Kind regards

bobc

[Mysticforex 13]

Dear SIUYA

I am going to borrow your paraprosdokian No. 7 ....".Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit etc".....and make it my signature.

Now I just have to work out how to do that.

Thank you for the post

Kind regards

bobc

 

Bobcollect

 

click on your name in the upper R/S where it says Welcome Bobcollect.

 

you are now at your control panel. near the top, just below "Trader IQ" click on Customize control panel.. then pick the option to edit you signature.

[gosu 10]

How do I customize Trader IQ?