Joke of The Day!

[MadMarketScientist 11]

We start with an oldie but goodie... and a metaphor for government's proclivity for repeating the same mistakes...

 

Moose Hunters

 

Two hunters -Stosh and Stan - got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big bull moose.

 

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear, and one moose.

 

The hunters objected strongly, saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both. And he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

 

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

 

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing, and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, "Any idea where we are?"

 

Stan replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

MMS

[hocagmaplappy 10]

Humor

 

This lady gets on a plane with her pet poodle. A man sits next to her.

A few hours into the flight the man lights up a cigarette. The poodle

starts to cough and weeze. The lady asks the man politly to put out the

cigarette. He says"I paid for first class and I'm gonna smoke!"

A few hours later the man lights up another cigarette. The poodle again

starts to cough and wheeze. SO the lady asks, not so politley, for him

to put the cigarette out. He again says,"I paid for first class lady,

and I'm gonna smoke!", so she waits.

Eventually the man lights up another cigarette. The dog almost chokes

to death. The lady says,"Listen, I make a deal with you, I'll throw my

poodle out the window if you will through your cigarette out the

window.", well the man agrees its a fair bargian and the both toss out

the window the poodle and the cigarette.

When the plane lands, the lady gets of the plane and to her surprise the

poodle is sitting on the wing of the plane! And guess what it has in

it's mouth???

[Forex Quant Chix 10]

make sense.the best patients are the politicians.

[SIUYA 11]

http://www.traderslaboratory.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24839&stc=1&d=1307411300

 

(apologies for the advert that covers most of it up)

[MadMarketScientist 11]

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

 

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

 

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

 

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

 

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.

 

MMS

[SIUYA 11]

warning potentially offensive.......which I approve of and encourage.

 

 

• My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning; can you believe that? 2:30am! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

 

• I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection - but she did

 

• Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""B'Jasus," says Mick,” have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

 

• Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

 

• I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

 

• I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $5.00 in her purse.

 

• My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

• I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

 

• The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[Ingot54 13]

This one was sent by a friend ... very 'Australian' flavoured!

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kpjnGWPmj0]YouTube - ‪Entrapment - Bill Kearns‬‏[/ame]

[ahimsa 10]

This one was sent by a friend ... very 'Australian' flavoured!

 

 

thanks ingot,you are the only member of tl,that make know,new band,i never hear australian music band before know you.

[bobcollett 10]

This is a true story. Names have been changed to avoid litigation

 

Steve and Mouse were walking down the road .

Mouse picked up a small mirrow.

He looked at it and said" I know this face, I know this face, I just cant place it."

Steve grabbed the mirrow and said " Let me see."

He looked at the mirrow "Its me you idiot!"

bobcollett

[SIUYA 11]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and nickers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourk e

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Dave Howell

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

 

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not ...

[MadMarketScientist 11]

I had to pass along this spoof article from the Onion. The title says it all. However, this really isn't completely a joke. This article could realistically happen... and probably has happened with a few high-powered officials.

 

MMS

 

Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Ingot54 13]

I had to pass along this spoof article from the Onion. The title says it all. However, this really isn't completely a joke. This article could realistically happen... and probably has happened with a few high-powered officials.

 

MMS

 

Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

Thanks for that site, MMS - I have definitely bookmarked it for regular chilling out!

 

I liked these:

 

Racehorse Unaware It Just Cost Some Kid New Braces | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

Prosthetic Arm Stuck In Vending Machine | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

I needed a bit of light-hearted distraction this morning - thanks!

[bobcollett 10]

Reminiscing on 50 years of marriage, Ingot asks Sheila if she was always faithful.

"No . I was forced to be unfaithful three times to help you.

When we were about to loose our house I slept with the Bank manager.

When you were so sick, without money, I slept with the doctor.

And when you were standing for Chairman of the Golf Club , and need 73 more votes.........

bobc

[Ingot54 13]

Reminiscing on 50 years of marriage, Ingot asks Sheila if she was always faithful.

"No . I was forced to be unfaithful three times to help you.

When we were about to loose our house I slept with the Bank manager.

When you were so sick, without money, I slept with the doctor.

And when you were standing for Chairman of the Golf Club , and need 73 more votes.........

bobc

You'll keep! We golfers have long memories!

[ahimsa 10]

You'll keep! We golfers have long memories!

 

 

Ingot you married at 4 years old?

[Ingot54 13]

Ingot you married at 4 years old?

I can't remember, Ahimsa ... it was a very long time ago!

 

:rofl:

[Ingot54 13]

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

 

In response, General Motors issued a press release stating that if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

 

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

 

Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

 

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

 

The warning lights for the oil pressure, water temperature and alternator would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.

 

New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

 

The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

 

Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

 

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

 

Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

[bobcollett 10]

Dear Traders

This post should really be in the "general " section , because its not a joke.

I read today that the most common names for aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAUSTRALIANS is either "mate" or "sheila".. Unless you have a gold tooth, then they call you ....................you guessed it, INGOT.

bobc

[Ingot54 13]

Dear Traders

This post should really be in the "general " section , because its not a joke.

I read today that the most common names for aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAUSTRALIANS is either "mate" or "sheila".. Unless you have a gold tooth, then they call you ....................you guessed it, INGOT.

bobc

Hmmm.

 

No more share tips for you, Bob ... and I am reviewing my Christmas list.

[Ingot54 13]

Not exactly a joke ... but a light-hearted Ed Seykota like you may never have seen him before.

 

I found and pasted the lyrics for those who are twisted enough to want to sing along.

 

The Whipsaw Song (bet you don't listen through to the end ... you might, Bob)

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiE1VgWdcQM]The Whipsaw Song - YouTube[/ame]

 

 

You get a whip and I get a saw, honey

You get a whip and I get a saw, babe

You get a whip and I get a saw

One good trend pays for ‘em all.

Honey, trader, ba-by mine.

 

What do we do when we catch a trend, honey … etc.

We ride that trend right to the end.

Honey, trader, ba-by mine.

 

What do we do when we show a loss, honey … etc.

We give that dag-gone loss a toss.

Honey, trader, ba-by mine.

 

How do we know when our risk is right, honey … etc.

We make a lot of money and we sleep at night.

Honey, trader, ba-by mine.

 

What do we do when the price breaks through, honey … etc.

Our stops are in so there’s nothing to do.

Honey, trader, ba-by mine.

 

What do we do when a draw down comes, honey

What do we do when it gets real big, babe

What do we do when it’s even bigger …

We stick to the plan and pull the trigger.

 

What do we do with a hot news flash, honey … etc.

We stash that flash right in the trash

Honey, trader, ba-by mine.

[Ingot54 13]

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train...

 

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Boot it.

4. Make sure the person who won’t leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Open your email client to this message.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

[Ingot54 13]

Aboriginal Bush Tracker - Somewhere between Karratha and Onslow in remote Western Australia

 

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

 

On their way to Kakadu in one of Australia's famous National Parks, he was describing the legendary abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, and under the sea.

 

The Americans were incredulous.

 

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the

middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

 

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

 

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

 

The aborigine replied,

 

"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1967 Dodge Ute.

It's a red one.

The left pront tyre is bald.

The pront end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel.

There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

 

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"Good grief man ... how do you know all that?," asked one.

 

The Aborigine replied......... I fell out off the pucken thing 'bout half an hour ago!".

[Ingot54 13]

I don't know how badly bent you have to be to enjoy this kind of stuff, but read on, and I hope you get a great laugh! I am definitely twisted!

 

Prankster David Thorne behind McDonald's hoax | Information, Gadgets, Mobile Phones News & Reviews | News.com.au

 

and the main prank is here: Bees Like Yellow.

 

The McDonald's story is hidden in a link in the second-last email item ...

 

http://www.27bslash6.com/images/maccas.jpg

 

If you liked those, then you will also like this:

 

"I have read your website and it is obviously that your a foggot."

 

and this:

 

Next time, I'll spend the money on drugs instead.

[Quartilla 10]

Hahaha the last one with spider was totally awesome! Love it!

[bobcollett 10]

An 18 year -old girl farm girl tells her Mum that she is pregnant.

 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "Who was the pig that did this to you?Your father is going to kill you."

 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

 

One hour later a Ferrari stops in front of the farm house , a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari ,and enters the house.

 

He sits in the living room with the father , mother, and the girl.

 

"Good morning.Your daughter has informed me of the problem.I cant marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.I'll pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born,I'll bequest her two retail stores, a town house, a beachfront home and $10 million. "

 

"If a boy is born my legacy will be two factories , a cattle farm and $14 million"

 

"If twins, they will recieve $12 million each "

 

"However, if your daughter should have a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do"

 

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silient, places a hand on the mans shoulder and says "Then you try again son".

 

bobc