Joke of The Day!

[GlassOnion 12]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a

sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the

reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is

frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an

anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and

satirists.

 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I

stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing

in a garage makes you a car.

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

 

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)

 

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in

a fruit salad.

 

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then

proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is

research.

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train

stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

 

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can

train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

 

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

 

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you

don’t need it.

 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an

emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

 

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion

stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and

50 for Miss America ?

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to

skydive twice.

 

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

 

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way

that you will look forward to the trip.

 

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

 

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured

by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

 

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

 

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a

shot of tequila.

 

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

 

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you

hit the target.

 

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

 

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as

when you are in it.

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[TheNegotiator 13]

Quite amusing-

 

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME(??amusing but not sure about that!)

50 I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."

So I went - and I got it.

49 A seal walks into a club...

48 Went to the corner shop - bought four corners.

47 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

46 I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything - trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

45 I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

44 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

43 You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.

42 I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.

41 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

40 I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

39 My phone will ring at 2am and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I say, "I don't know. If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone."

38 A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

37 I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts". Well, YES. That's what I bought them for. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.

36 I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

35 I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

34 A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

33 I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

32 Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."

31 I'm in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said: "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."

30 I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite - one jar.

29 I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: "Are you two an item?"

28 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

27 Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

26 I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

25 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"

24 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

23 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

22 Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

21 A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

20 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.

19 I rang up BT. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."

18 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

17 When Susan's boyfriend proposed, she said: "I love the simple things in life but I don't want one of them for my husband."

16 I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any.

15 Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"

14 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

13 I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

12 My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

11 Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.

10 A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

9 I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

8 "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.

7 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

6 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

5 A classic from Tommy Cooper - I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

4 A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

3 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

2 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

1 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[TheNegotiator 13]

Also, has anyone looked at failblog?

[GlassOnion 12]

Farting at tiffany's

 

a lady walks into tiffany's...

 

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over

to inspect it...

 

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...

 

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed

her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere

near... As she turns around,

 

her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing

right behind her...good looking as well...

 

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect

of a professional in a store like tiffany's...

 

He politely greets the lady with, 'good day, madam..

 

How may we help you today?

 

Blushing and uncomfortable,

 

but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed

 

her little 'incident'---

 

she asks,'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??

 

'he answers, "madam.. If you farted just looking at it-

 

you're going to shit when i tell you the price..."

[GlassOnion 12]

Bumper Stickers:

 

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

 

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

 

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

All men are idiots….I married their king.

 

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

 

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

 

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

 

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

[GlassOnion 12]

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

 

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

 

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

 

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

 

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

 

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.

 

Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

 

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

 

While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

 

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

 

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

 

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

 

In between that I place a couple of trades, all winners of course. 100% of Fact.

[ALexLutiera 10]

Hi there! I want to share this joke with you, hope you'll like it!! =D

 

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

 

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

 

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

 

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

 

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

 

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

 

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

 

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

 

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

 

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

 

Then Satan created HMOs.

:haha: Hahahaha )

[GlassOnion 12]

:o:o:o

 

Good One Alex!

[Ingot54 13]

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

 

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

 

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

 

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

 

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

 

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.

 

Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

 

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

 

While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

 

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

 

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

 

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

 

In between that I place a couple of trades, all winners of course. 100% of Fact.

 

Well ... blow me down ... Chuck Norris is on Trader's Laboratory under the Username "Glass Onion" ... or is that "Mr Onion" ?

[GlassOnion 12]

Well ... blow me down ... Chuck Norris is on Trader's Laboratory under the Username "Glass Onion" ... or is that "Mr Onion" ?

 

 

You can call me ASS . . uh... I mean GLASS.

[GlassOnion 12]

Q: What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?

 

A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

[ALexLutiera 10]

The Dog's Diary:

 

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

 

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

 

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

 

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

 

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

 

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

 

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

 

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

 

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

 

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

 

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

------------------------------------------

 

The Cat's Diary:

 

Day 983 of my captivity.

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now

[ALexLutiera 10]

"It's tax time. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink."

-- Dave Barry

 

"The number of words dealing with income taxes in the Internal Revenue Code and IRS regulations rose nearly tenfold between 1955 and 2005, from 718,000 to more than 7 million How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your money, but the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms."

--Jacob Sullum in Reason

 

"More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments."

-- Robert Orben

 

"To tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men."

-- Edmund Burke, 18th Century Irish political philosopher and British statesman

 

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."

-- Gerald Barzan, humorist

 

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq."

--Conan O'Brien

 

"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy."

 

"The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."

-- John F. Lekel

 

"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip."

-- Advertisement

 

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."

-- Dave Barry

 

"If a person is an economic being and figures out the odds, then there is a very high incentive to cheat. That is, of course, putting aside honor, duty and patriotism."

-- Jerome Kurtz, former Commissioner, Internal Revenue Service

 

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

-- Comedian

 

Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."

 

"A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest."

-- C Bob Thaves

 

"The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts."

-- Dave Barry

 

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."

-- Jay Leno

 

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct."

-- Fran Lebowitz

 

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids."

-- Harvey Mackay

 

" In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other."

-- Voltaire

 

"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."

-- J. Danforth Quayle V.P.

 

The more you earn, the less you keep,

And now I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my soul to take,

If the tax collector hasn't got it before I wake.

-- Ogden Nash

 

This guy walks into the tax auditor's office, the auditor looks at him and says, "Please Mr. Johnson, take a seat. We already own a piece of yours."

[ALexLutiera 10]

[GlassOnion 12]

Just think about this.......

 

The Mustang Ranch and the $750 billion bail-out.

 

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in

Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run

it.

They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the

economy of our country and 850+ Billion Dollars to a pack of

nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house

and selling booze.

Now if that don't make you

nervous,what will?

[ALexLutiera 10]

Tell Me What I Am

 

 

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

 

 

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

 

 

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

 

 

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

 

 

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

------

:haha: Hahahahaha

[Tams 20]

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

 

‎"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.

 

The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

 

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

 

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

[Ingot54 13]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. " You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

 

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

 

The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. - Such was his fate in hell.

 

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

 

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

 

The devil opened a third door. In the room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you’re free to go!"

[Ingot54 13]

An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force

 

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

 

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

 

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

 

"Why the rabbit?"

 

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Ingot54 13]

A man decided it was time to teach his son how to say prayers

 

He instructed his son on praying, then told him to choose someone special each night, & ask for god's blessing for that person.

 

So being a kid, the son that night prayed.."GOD please bless my puppy" ... but the following morning, the puppy was run over by a car and killed!!

 

The next night, the boy asked GOD, to please bless his beloved pussycat ... but on awakening he found the cat had been ripped to pieces by a large aggressive dog!

 

By now the father had started to see a connection, but decided it was just coincidence.

 

But when the kid asked GOD to bless his goldfish, the father checked first thing in the morning, to find the goldfish floating belly up in the bowl.

 

That night, the kid ended his prayer with ... GOD please give an extra special blessing to my father.

 

The father couldn't sleep

He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning

He was afraid to drive to work

He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified

finally quitting time came, and as he walked home, he expected to drop dead at any minute

 

When he arrived home, the house was a mess ... his wife was laying on the couch, still dressed in her robe ... the dishes from breakfast were still on the table, and the father was furious!!

 

He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he'd just had the worst day of his life...and that she was still undressed.

 

She looked at him and said ...

 

"You think you had a bad day, this morning the postie dropped dead on our front porch!"

[GlassOnion 12]

Did someone say “Navy?” Here’s a little-known fact:

 

The U. S. S.. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

 

However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log, “On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”

Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”

 

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

 

On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

 

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

 

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water.

 

GO NAVY!

[TradeRunner 10]

Here is my latest trading plan:

 

 

"I never trust anyone who's more excited about success than about doing the thing they want to be successful at."

 

 

From xkcd: http://xkcd.com/

[GlassOnion 12]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began

 

his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder

 

on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first

 

ever bass over 11 pounds when his mobile phone rang.

 

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a

 

terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and

 

that he'd be there as soon as possible.

 

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to

 

be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of

 

more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the

 

rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never

 

seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

 

He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife.

 

Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

 

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll now be her caregiver!"

 

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

 

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.

 

She's dead. What'd you catch?"

[GlassOnion 12]

What do you think of Gmail Motion?

 

 

[ame=

]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bu927_ul_X0[/ame]

[Ingot54 13]

What do you think of Gmail Motion?

 

It's a start, but hopefully it will have an eraser function to delete much of my communication to the Australian Taxation Office!

 

I mean, try to explain that you were only pulling out your hair with two fingers, when you get the "Please explain!" letter!

 

The possibilities are endless ... and possibly dangerous!