Joke of The Day!

[sunilrohira 10]

I saw these on the freeways:

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdgQpa1pUUE&feature=relmfu]Self-Driving Car Test: Steve Mahan - YouTube[/ame]

[Ingot54 13]

I saw these on the freeways:

 

I saw 34 of them in the local wrecking yard!

[Obsidian 10]

I saw 34 of them in the local wrecking yard!

 

never buy a self-driving car with Windows OS installed

[Tams 20]

never buy a self-driving car with Windows OS installed

 

don't drive with an Apple either.

 

 

[bobcollett 10]

This is a true story!

 

On September 30th , a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped.

 

George , their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past a State Trooper, and says,"What are you doing?"

 

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide".

 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive", he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked....."Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?."

 

So, with no hesitation at all ,she leaned back over the railing and did just that....

and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

 

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker- buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts.You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?".

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

 

Its still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Tams 20]

Its still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

LOL....................................................!

[Ingot54 13]

 

Its still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

Maybe "sugar shorts" slipped!

[mike21 10]

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[Obsidian 10]

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[jimbo320 10]

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Mike, Like it!..............

[SIUYA 11]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

 

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

 

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

 

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

 

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

 

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

 

 

The Aussie said 'One!'

 

 

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

 

 

How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

 

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

 

 

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

 

 

 

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

 

 

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

 

 

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[Cory2679 11]

A technical trader had dinner one evening with a fundamental analyst. They went to one of those Chicago steak houses…you know, the ones with the big steaks and huge knives. The fundamental analyst is cutting his stake…a little too aggressively…and the steak knife flips out of his hand, twirls in the air, and they both watch as it lands on his shoe. The technical trader turns to the guy and says, “Why didn’t you move your foot?” The fundamental analyst looks back and says, “Well, I thought it was going back up.”

[Tams 20]

A technical trader had dinner one evening with a fundamental analyst. They went to one of those Chicago steak houses…you know, the ones with the big steaks and huge knives. The fundamental analyst is cutting his stake…a little too aggressively…and the steak knife flips out of his hand, twirls in the air, and they both watch as it lands on his shoe. The technical trader turns to the guy and says, “Why didn’t you move your foot?” The fundamental analyst looks back and says, “Well, I thought it was going back up.”

 

I thought he was increasing his stake, not cutting it. ;-)>

[SIUYA 11]

even if you are a believer.....i thought this was funny, and could possibly related to many trading claims.

 

How Does Homeopathy Work?

[bobcollett 10]

This is a true story

In South Los Angeles, a Quad-plex was destroyed by fire.

 

A mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor, and they all died.

 

An Islamic Group of seven welfare cheats,all illegally in the country from Kenya,

lived on the second floor, and they too all perished in the fire.

 

Six LA Hispanic Gang Bangers , lived on the third floor and they too died.

 

A lone white couple lived on the top floor.

They both survived the fire.

 

President Obama was furious. He flew into LA and demanded to know why all the Blacks, Muslims, and Hispanics , died in the fire and why only the White Couple lived???

 

The Fire Chief said,"The were both at work"

[Savant 10]

My fav:

 

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A: Seven plus or minus ten.

[SIUYA 11]

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A: Once we seasonally adjust for the numbers and take into consideration an amendments to last months numbers we will reach a sub-optimal number that has clear implications for any future fiscal or monetary policies at which we will be better suited to be able to give a more accurate assessment of what may or may not have been required many years in the future.

[MightyMouse 12]

This is a true story

In South Los Angeles, a Quad-plex was destroyed by fire.

 

A mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor, and they all died.

 

An Islamic Group of seven welfare cheats,all illegally in the country from Kenya,

lived on the second floor, and they too all perished in the fire.

 

Six LA Hispanic Gang Bangers , lived on the third floor and they too died.

 

A lone white couple lived on the top floor.

They both survived the fire.

 

President Obama was furious. He flew into LA and demanded to know why all the Blacks, Muslims, and Hispanics , died in the fire and why only the White Couple lived???

 

The Fire Chief said,"The were both at work"

 

 

Just Fucking Awesome!!!!

[Savant 10]

Haha that is nice one...

[jimbo320 10]

Newton's third law of Emotion:

 

For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction...

[Angelnish 10]

Christmas seasonal

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven"

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said

"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're Bells".

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do these symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

[bobcollett 10]

This is a true story.

 

A young Portsmouth woman was feeling very depressed. Her long standing boy friend had shipped off to Australia and she so much wanted to be with him.

 

Sitting on a bench at the shore she was approached by a very handsome sailor who heard her sad story. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food everyday and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose the woman accepted.

 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors." she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

 

"I see" said the Captain.

 

Her conscience got the best of her and she added "plus, he is screwing me".

 

"He certainly is" said the Captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry"

[SIUYA 11]

A guy asked a girl in a library: ''Do you mind if I sit beside you?''

The girl replied with a loud voice: ''I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!''

 

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: ''I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?''

 

The guy responded with a loud voice: ''$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!''

 

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: ''I study law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.''

[SIUYA 11]

i came across this one in the Sydney morning herald.....

 

"A Polish man has burnt the side of his head while doing housework after mistaking the iron for a phone.

Tomasz Paczkowski, from the northern Polish town of Elblag, is now swathed in bandages after his wife asked him to help with the housework while he enjoyed a few days off work.

"My wife had gone to work," the 32-year old told the Polish newspaper Fakt. "After breakfast I started to work. I turned on the boxing channel on the TV, opened a beer and started ironing.

"I was really getting involved in the boxing and was not really thinking about what I was doing.

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"Suddenly the phone rang and I mucked things up.

"Instead of grabbing the receiver I picked up the iron and put it to my ear." Mr Paczkowski said a burning sensation on his ear soon made him realise his mistake.

To compound his misfortune, he hit his head on a door frame while dashing to the bathroom to cool his burn with water. He suffered an injury just above the left eye.

Mr Paczkowski said he would give up watching boxing on the television but would continue to iron.

 

.......................

the fascinating thing is that he is giving up watching the boxing, but NOT giving up the beer after breakfast.

[SIUYA 11]

one of the best comedians around IMHO - Milton Jones - oneliners

 

In history this term my class is learning about Galileo.

 

I already know that he was a poor boy, from a poor family.

 

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

 

We live in an uncaring society.

 

The other day, I watched an old man in the park feeding the birds.

 

I thought to myself, "how long has he been dead?"

''''''''''''''''''''''''''

When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa's back when he was ill.

 

He went down hill fast after that.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''

I was sitting in traffic the other day.

Probably why I got run over.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''

I dream of a world without plagiarism.

Now you may say I'm a dreamer...

But I'm not the only one.

'''''''''''''''''''''''

Here's hoping I never get any splinters.

 

Touch wood.

'''''''''''''''''''''''

My grandad used to always go on about how, in the old days, people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.