Joke of The Day!

[Obsidian 10]

You know you're Obsessed with Technical Analysis when...

 

11) You start thinking about your marriage in terms of risk-reward.

 

and at the end you still get married even though you knew it was not worth the risk you are taking

[bobcollett 10]

This is a true story;)

 

WIFES DIARY

 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long.

So I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what as wrong:He said "Nothing".

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it was nothing to do with me,and not to worry about it..

On the way home, I told him I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving..

I cant explain his behavior. I dont know why he didn't say "I love you too".

When we got home,I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted,and that his thoughts were somewhere else..

He fell asleep; I cried.

I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HUSBANDS DIARY

 

A four putt.......who the ---k four putts?

[MightyMouse 12]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bar tender looks and him awkwardly and says" Hey, you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants." The Pirate replies" ARRRRRRRH, it drives me nuts.

[Ingot54 13]

1). While watching the cardiac monitor at work in the Intensive Care Unit, you begin to wonder what time frame it is, and how the hell it can trend sideways for so long.

[Obsidian 10]

The $50 Lesson

 

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her. "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

[Tams 20]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

 

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[Tams 20]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, what'cha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink with my last tiny wad of cash, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you TOTAL jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Tams 20]

Things It Takes Most of Us 50 years to learn:

 

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

 

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

 

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

 

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

 

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

17. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

 

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

 

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

 

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

 

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

12. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter or a janitor is not a nice person.

 

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

 

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

 

15. Your true friends love you, anyway.

 

16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

[Tams 20]

LOL= Little Old Lady

 

LMAO = Love My Arthritis Ointment

 

ROFL = Retirement Opportunity, Fort Lauderdale

 

AFK = Anyone Feeling Kinky

 

TY = Thank You

 

THX = Thanks

 

NP= Nightime Poop

 

OMG = Oh My,Gas

 

WTF =Wag the Finger

 

TTYL= Time To Your Laxitives

[Ingot54 13]

Things It Takes Most of Us 50 years to learn:

 

12. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter or a janitor is not a nice person.

 

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

I was going to comment on #12 ... until I read #13!

 

[Ingot54 13]

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

 

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

 

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

 

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

 

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

 

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

 

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

 

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

 

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE

MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

 

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

 

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

 

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

 

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"

[bobcollett 10]

Things It Takes Most of Us 50 years to learn:

 

 

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

 

I like this one the best

bobc

[Ingot54 13]

This one deserves its place in "Joke of the Day."

 

Honestly ... you can NOT make this stuff up!

 

Industry ponders ‘oath’ with an exit clause

 

Trust a banker? Trust a banker who says: "I give you my solemn oath." ?

[Obsidian 10]

This one deserves its place in "Joke of the Day."

 

Honestly ... you can NOT make this stuff up!

 

Industry ponders ‘oath’ with an exit clause

 

Trust a banker? Trust a banker who says: "I give you my solemn oath." ?

 

that type of news belongs to "miracle of the decade" section I guess

[Tams 20]

[Tams 20]

[Ingot54 13]

Really, Tams ... you could have shown a little more respect. Clearly your picture shows Her Majesty the Queen looking a little strained.

 

Couldn't you have found a more flattering pic of her? Something a little younger perhaps?

[SIUYA 11]

I hope people can see this site and there is no x- country restrictions....

 

TheVine - 100 Hilarious Protest Signs - Life & pop culture, untangled

[Mysticforex 13]

I hope people can see this site and there is no x- country restrictions....

 

TheVine - 100 Hilarious Protest Signs - Life & pop culture, untangled

 

Very funny. Almost fell out of my chair.

[Ingot54 13]

Oh ... I got no friends

[Tams 20]

[Obsidian 10]

The poor: work and work,

The rich: exploit the poor,

The soldier: protects both,

The taxpayer: pays for all three,

The wanderer: rests for all four,

The drunk: drinks for all five,

The banker: robs all six,

The lawyer: misleads all seven,

The doctor: kills all eight,

The undertaker: buries all nine,

The Politician: lives happily on the account of all ten.

[Tams 20]

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

 

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

 

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

 

--Mariah Carey

 

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

 

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

 

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

 

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

 

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

 

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

 

--A congressional candidate in Texas ...

 

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

 

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

 

--Al Gore, Vice President

 

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ..."

 

-- Dan Quayle

 

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

 

--Lee Iacocca

 

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

 

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

 

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

 

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

 

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

 

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

 

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

 

--Keppel Enderbery

 

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

 

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[bobcollett 10]

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

 

--Keppel Enderbery

 

Dear ingot

Are you aware of this?

kind regards

bob

[Ingot54 13]

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

 

--Keppel Enderbery

 

Dear ingot

Are you aware of this?

kind regards

bob

Of course I am - I used to be Enderbery's speech-writer.

 

We no longer speak, and he refuses to answer my emails.