Joke of The Day!

[Ingot54 13]

Santa’s Bad Day

 

One particular Christmas season a long time ago,

Santa was getting ready for his annual trip.

 

But there were problems everywhere.

 

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did

not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones.

 

So Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being

behind schedule.

 

Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming

to visit, and this stressed Santa even more

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that

three of them were about to give birth, and two had

jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where.

 

More stress.

 

Then when he began to load up the sleigh one of the

boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and

scattered the toys.So, frustrated, Santa went into the

house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

 

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the

elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to

drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider

pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over

the kitchen floor.

 

He went to get the broom and found that the mice had

eaten the straw end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged

to the door. he opened the door, and there was a little

angel with a great Christmas tree.

 

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa.

Isn’t it a lovely day. I have a beautiful tree for you.

Where would you like me to stick it?”

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!

[Tams 20]

...And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!

 

 

not nice

[Ingot54 13]

not nice

Yeah ... I forgot to include the second last line of the story ... sorry.

 

Here it is:

 

On seeing the little angel, Santa immediately smiled and said: "So nice to see you, little angel. Just pop the tree in the far corner for me. I will be going on my toy-delivery run shortly - so would you mind staying on top of the tree to keep an eye on things while I'm gone?"

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!

 

:rofl:

[Tams 20]

Yeah ... I forgot to include the second last line of the story ... sorry.

 

Here it is:

 

On seeing the little angel, Santa immediately smiled and said: "So nice to see you, little angel. Just pop the tree in the far corner for me. I will be going on my toy-delivery run shortly - so would you mind staying on top of the tree to keep an eye on things while I'm gone?"

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!

 

:rofl:

 

LOL :rofl:

[Tams 20]

Yeah ... I forgot to include the second last line of the story ... sorry.

 

Here it is:

 

On seeing the little angel, Santa immediately smiled and said: "So nice to see you, little angel. Just pop the tree in the far corner for me. I will be going on my toy-delivery run shortly - so would you mind staying on top of the tree to keep an eye on things while I'm gone?"

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!

 

:rofl:

 

if you think I believe that's the ending, you can be the angel ... :rofl: :haha:

[Ingot54 13]

if you think I believe that's the ending, you can be the angel ... :rofl: :haha:

Ouch ... this is supposed to be a family show!:rofl:

[Tams 20]

[MightyMouse 12]

Question: What is the last phrase you want to hear in the men's bathroom?

 

Answer: "Hey, that's a nice dick".

[Angelnish 10]

Spirit of Boxing Day: It was just after Christmas and the judge was in a festive mood. He asked the prisoner in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my sales shopping too early.'

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

[SIUYA 11]

two articles gave me a laugh......

 

From the Fitz files Sydney Morning Herald.....

 

"So, there I was. About to board a military flight on a Hercules, from the Australian base at Kandahar in Afghanistan, to head up to Kabul to continue our entertainment tour for the troops. To my amazement, despite our flight being filled with heavily armed soldiers in flak jackets and helmets, we still had to go through screening. And wouldn't you freaking know it? No matter that the 10 soldiers in front of me all placed on the conveyor belt everything from machine guns to pistols to - I swear - a bazooka, who do you think is the poor bunny pulled over by the guards for carrying contraband. Me! And my sin? Carrying a laptop computer. I was led away. It was explained that if we hit turbulence, my laptop would be a danger to the helmeted others. Yes folks, it used to be that the pen is mightier than the sword, but these days the laptop trumps the bazooka every time.

 

Read more: Shoot the myth, computers could kill

 

 

...........

second - AIG is looking/deciding/contemplating if it should sue the US government for too onerous terms regarding its bailout. I bet Goldmans and the others are rubbing their hands together as well.

(too many news articles to warrant posting any particular ones - but pure gold )

[Tams 20]

October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:

 

Terrorists Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 18,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 133,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 999,350

Natural Blondes 3

 

 

It was also discovered that 335 members of the Senate and Congress had no balls.

 

Thought you'd like to know.

[Ingot54 13]

Tams, I was relieved to see that they discovered that there was an even number of breast implants!

 

Now ...

 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have

produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it!)

 

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas

is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out

to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

 

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes!

(O.M.G!)

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Kids: Don't try this at home!)

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(So why does a damn PIG have the half hour orgasm!?!? Do the Dolphins know about the pig?)

 

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

(Still not over that pig thing!)

 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmm.....)

 

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

 

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

 

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than

by a poisonous spider.

 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer

than left-handed people do.

 

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

 

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its

own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the govt. pay for this research??)

 

Polar bears are left handed.

(If they switch, they'll live longer!)

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish

rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human

jumping the length of a football field.

(Thirty minutes ... lucky pig ... Can you imagine?)

 

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

(Can't stop thinking about that pig!)

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached

to its body The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!)

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know!))

 

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

 

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight

(More of your money spent in government research, to uncover that little gem!)

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

(I know some people like that)

 

Starfish don't have brains.

(Be careful of people who tell you: "You're a star!")

[Ingot54 13]

even if you are a believer.....i thought this was funny, and could possibly related to many trading claims.

 

How Does Homeopathy Work?

Love it Siuya.

 

This Video was found on the site, and is good for a rainy day squiz:

 

[Mysticforex 13]

2 cannibals are eac eating a bowl of soup. One cannibal says to he other, "boy, I hate my mother in law. The other cannibal says "just eat the noodles.

[SIUYA 11]

This could be applied for so many aspects of life.....

(scroll down the word document and read it slowly as the two pictures are revealed.)

LESSON FOR TODAY_funny.docx

[Ingot54 13]

Not quite ... there is more to this before the story ends

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[Ingot54 13]

There is corruption everywhere - EVERYWHERE ... even in the

telling of a famous fable!

 

Yes, Siuya - I am claiming "corruption!" In order to right this serious

wrong, and restore the truth of the matter, I re-tell the story, with the

original cast of characters, and the truth, facts and sequential

outcome as it happened! In pursuit of truth!

 

THE STORY OF THE SPARROW

 

On a beautiful winter day in Siberia, encouraged by the warm rays of the sun

in a clear blue sky, a little sparrow left the security of his nest to fly and frolic

in the air, but the 40° below zero temperature quickly overcame the imprudent

bird who fell to the ground, frozen, and found himself buried in the snow where

he would certainly have died in an instant.

 

But by chance a cow trotted by at that moment, and at the very spot where

the sparrow was struggling for his last breath, she dropped a large soft cow-dung

on top of the bird. The warmth of this dung-bath resuscitated the moribund sparrow.

 

He was so happy, he raised his head out of the cow-shit and started to twitter

joyfully, which drew the attention of a wandering homeless cat who delicately

pulled the sparrow out of the shit and devoured him.

 

The moral of this story:

 

Your enemy is not necessarily the one who shits on your head.

 

Your friend, however, is not necessarily the one who pulls you out of the shit.

 

And besides, one should never twitter when one is buried in shit.

[Ingot54 13]

Make up your own mind ... true or not ...

 

I got a really good laugh all the same:

 

Lawnchair Larry, the man who soared to 16,000 Feet attached to weather balloons-Truth!

[Gekko78 10]

You know why they call them brokers?

 

Because after you sign up with them you become broker than you were before you started.

[Tams 20]

You know why they call them brokers?

 

Because after you sign up with them you become broker than you were before you started.

 

he's the broker, you are the brokee. (or simply... broke).

[Ingot54 13]

Lancelot & the Witch

 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a

neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved

by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as

long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year

to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would

be put to death.

 

 

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex

even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an

impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the

monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess,

the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone,

but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

 

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have

the answer..

 

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the

kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

 

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to

the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to

agree to her price first.

 

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights

of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only

one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never

encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;

but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

 

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the

preservation of the Round Table.

 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question

thus:

 

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great

truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

 

And so it was,the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and

Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific

experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him... The most

beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded

Lancelot asked what had happened.

 

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared

as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the

time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

 

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to

show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch ?

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a

beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

 

What would YOU do?

 

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT.....make YOUR choice before you

scroll down below. OKAY?

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Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

 

 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

 

 

Now....what is the moral to this story?

 

Scroll down

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The moral is....

 

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

[TheDude 10]

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

 

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

 

Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

 

I take it Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

 

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.

White man arrested for murder.

 

What do you call a room full of dead people?

An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

[bobcollett 10]

I wonder what this is all about?

[Ingot54 13]

Not sure where to post this - we do not have a section for short,funny videos, do we?

 

[Angelnish 10]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!'' :doh::doh: