Joke of The Day!

[Mysticforex 13]

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

 

 

One of the highest-rated jokes in Germany: 'Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well done.'

 

 

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[Mysticforex 13]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

 

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

 

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

 

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

[Mysticforex 13]

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.

 

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones.

 

 

Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.

[bobcollett 10]

This is a true story.

 

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for a retired person, I lasted less than a day......

 

About 2 hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Hell no, they aint twins. The oldest one is nine and the other one is seven. Why the hell do you think they are twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

 

I replied "I'm neither blind nor stupid, mam, I just can't believe someone shagged you twice.......".

 

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wolmart. My supervisor said I wasn't probably cut out for this line of work.

bobc

[Mysticforex 13]

There was a Greek, a French and an American. The aeroplane was flying over America, and the American goes "Hey we are flying over America", the Greek and the French go "How can you tell?", the American goes "Because I can see the Statue of Liberty"...

 

A few hours later the French guy goes "We are flying over France", the American and Greek guy go "How can you tell?", the French guy goes "Because I can see the Eiffel Tower"...

 

A couple of hours later, the Greek guy goes "We are flying over Greece", the American and French guy go "How can you tell?" and the Greek guy goes "Because my watch is missing!"

[khamore1 10]

(true story happend today)

 

Oregon man reportedly contracts the plague after trying to rescue mouse from cat

[SIUYA 11]

  khamore1 said:

(true story happend today)

 

Oregon man reportedly contracts the plague after trying to rescue mouse from cat

 

that is one flea bitten story

[Obsidian 10]

we don't need to wait for vote counting stuff...we could just ask to an astrologer :rofl:

Greek Election 2012, Alexis Tsipras Horoscope

[Mysticforex 13]

Two old men were sitting on a park bench discussing their love lives. One told the other, "I had sex with a 30-year-old three times last night!"

"Wow," his friend said, "you must be using that Viagra."

"Nope," the man replied, "I know a secret: wheat bread. Eat lots of it and you can make love for hours.

The second man dashed off to the nearest grocery store and bought eight loaves of wheat bread. At the checkout counter the cashier said, "That's a lot of bread. It will prob-ably get hard before you're done eating it all."

"Well, I'll be damned," the man said. "Does everybody know about this but me?"

[khamore1 10]

Bob you’re wrong Tomatoes are not fruit nor vegetable tomatoes are……Christian!

 

Can you find the hidden Cross in the tomato?

 

I wonder where the Jews are hiding…Lol

[bobcollett 10]

  khamore1 said:

Bob you’re wrong Tomatoes are not fruit nor vegetable tomatoes are……Christian!

 

Can you find the hidden Cross in the tomato?

 

I wonder where the Jews are hiding…Lol

 

Hi khamore

Cleaver!!

regards

bobc:)

[khamore1 10]

@#$%^&* )(*& this is not me

[Obsidian 10]

A leading German economic research institute has come up with one way to help countries involved in the euro crisis pay down their sovereign debt: get the wealthiest citizens to pay higher taxes, or force them to loan their governments money.....

[Mysticforex 13]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I have ever seen."


"He's not that smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

[Obsidian 10]

when I first read, thought it was a joke...

"JPMorgan says trading loss grew to $4.4 billion" !!!

 

guess not trading may be the best trade sometimes...

[khamore1 10]

I just wonder, when they get divorced who get the children? .

Edited July 13, 2012 by khamore1

[khamore1 10]

- -

[Obsidian 10]

..................................

[bobcollett 10]

This is a true story

 

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.As I walked in, almost awake,she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought,"I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said ,"Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but still a bit puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken".

[MightyMouse 12]

  bobcollett said:

This is a true story

 

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.As I walked in, almost awake,she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought,"I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said ,"Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but still a bit puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken".

 

Bob,

 

Don't feel hurt if she calls someone else when she is roasting a pig.

[Mysticforex 13]

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I’d like to have some birth-control pills."

 

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

 

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

 

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

 

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

[SIUYA 11]

The regulator made me commit fraud over the last twenty years.....the latest Joke excuse.

 

Excerpts From Russell Wasenforf Sr.’s Confession - Deal Journal - WSJ

 

"It was this encounter with CFTC’s Agnew that I discovered that the Industry’s regulators often used audits of Firms as punishment and for retaliation. And I saw for the first time the mean spirited nature of the industry’s Regulators.

 

The cost of an Attorney and the requirement to maintain a greater capitalization pushed us into a financial crisis, I had no access to additional capital and I was forced into a difficult decision: Should I go out of business or cheat? I guess my ego was too big to admit failure. So I cheated, I falsified the very core of the financial documents of PFG, the Bank Statements. At first I had to make forgeries of both the Firstar Bank Statements and the Harris Bank Statements. When I choose to close the Harris Account I only had to falsify the Firstar statements. I also made forgeries of official letters and correspondence from the bank, as well as transaction confirmation statements.

 

Using a combination of Photo Shop, Excel, scanners and both laser and ink jet printers I was able to make very convincing forgeries of nearing every document that came from the Bank. I could create forgeries very quickly so no one suspected that my forgeries were not the real thing that had just arrived in the mail."

 

................f..n pathetic excuse for an individual.

[khamore1 10]

A cause worth dying for....

 

Nigerian man raped to death by six wives

 

A Nigerian man was killed by his six wives after they forced him to have sexual intercourse with them all, the Daily Post has reported.

The man, Uroko Onoja, reportedly married six women after he became rich.

Five of the wives came at Onoja with knives and sticks in jealousy after seeing him entering his youngest wife's room to demand that he have sex with all of them, according to reports.

Onoja reportedly stopped breathing when he was going to bed with the fifth wife after having had sex with four of his other wives.

The five ran away after they saw that he had died, according to the youngest wife.

[Tams 20]

You know you're Obsessed with Technical Analysis when...

 

1) Your 6-year-old pleads with you to take him to MACD's, and you ask him what the parameters are.

 

2) A social worker is telling you about a patient who has RSI, and you interrupt to ask her if she's read Wilder's book. (Then there's this patient with a history of volatility....)

 

3) An MA is no longer a university degree.

 

4) Trapped in traffic at a roundabout, you find yourself waiting for a "breakout".

 

5) You're constantly losing at tic-tac-toe because you keep employing a P&F strategy.

 

6) A party addict is describing his LSD trips, and you ask whether his most recent high took out the previous one.

 

7) You describe an uneventful Friday at the office as an "inside day".

 

8) The best that lingerie advertisements can do is start you thinking about double tops.

 

9) While viewing the night sky with your hot date, you find yourself mentally constructing trendlines through the stars.

 

10) Your wife tells you she has PMT, but you can't remember what indicator that is.

 

11) You start thinking about your marriage in terms of risk-reward.

 

12) You stop buying seedless grapes because you want more pips

[bobcollett 10]

  Tams said:

You know you're Obsessed with Technical Analysis when...

 

 

9) While viewing the night sky with your hot date, you find yourself mentally constructing trendlines through the stars.

 

Hi Tams

Very good:):haha:

As an amateur astronomer and lunur trader ,this point might have some merit .

Kind regards

bobc