Joke of The Day!

[Mysticforex 13]

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[Tams 20]

Good Advice, Military Style

 

“Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

 

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – USAF

 

“When the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal

 

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual

 

“Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance

 

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” – USAF

 

“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.” – Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

 

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

 

“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” – From an old carrier sailor

 

“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” – Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ.

 

 

.

[Mysticforex 13]

Murder at Costco

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few Days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop’s security guard, who immediately called the Hoover police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the Birmingham News, the headline declared…

(You’re going to hate me for this…)

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco

[Mysticforex 13]

The Perfect Response

 

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha’s Vineyard. She slipped and fell.

 

Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly.

 

She thanked him and he answered

- “It was a pleasure to help you. Don’t you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? ”

 

The elderly woman laughed and replied:

”You know … I fell on my ass … not on my head……

[Mysticforex 13]

Two businessmen in the centre of Perth

were sitting down for a

break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready,

with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,

"I bet any minute now some pensioner

is going to walk by,

put their face to the window,

and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth

when, sure enough,

a curious old woman walked to the window,

had a peek,

and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,

"We're selling ass-holes."

 

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,

“Must be doing well...

only two left."

[Obsidian 10]

Breasts lead to arrest of Anonymous hacker

 

Police allege that an Anonymous hacker posted a picture of his presumed girlfriend's breasts as a taunt to U.S authorities. The picture allegedly contained GPS information that led the FBI to her.

 

Pride in one's lover's bodily parts can lead to a fall in one's own bodily security.

 

That seems to be the lesson from the tale of an alleged hacker, Higinio O.Ochoa, a 30-year-old Linux administrator from Galveston, Texas, who was arrested by the FBI and charged with unauthorized access to a protected computer.

 

The accusation, as described by the Sydney Morning Herald, is that Ochoa hacked into several Web sites belonging to law enforcement.

 

Sometimes, though, the temptation to leave a calling card can be too great. So Ochoa allegedly used a Twitter account to direct people to a Web site when all the law enforcement information he'd supposedly hacked was on display.

 

Also on display was a picture of a woman, her breasts lowering themselves tantalizingly toward the camera, with a sign beneath them reading: "''PwNd by w0rmer & CabinCr3w <3 u BiTch's''.

 

Now CabinCr3w is the apparent name of an Anonymous offshoot. And the "w0rmer" part? Well, the Twitter account linking people to the site was @AnonW0rmer.

 

However, the photograph of the breasts apparently linked authorities to Ochoa -- because, taken with an iPhone, it contained GPS information. The information allegedly suggested she lived in Melbourne, Australia.

 

Further burrowing led the police to discover a posting on Ochoa's Facebook page that allegedly revealed his girlfriend was Australian.

 

The claim is that police have managed to match pictures of her that Ochoa allegedly posted on Facebook to the breast image.

 

To the untrained eye, this might seem curious, as the Facebook pictures allegedly show her face, while the taunting picture does not.

 

Perhaps the authorities have gone beyond mere facial-recognition technology and are in possession of software that can match other bodily parts with astonishing accuracy.

[Mysticforex 13]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

 

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

 

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

 

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on

tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

 

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

 

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

 

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

 

Sometimes you just can’t win. I thought I’d be a gentleman and hold the door

open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, “Will you go away and shut the bathroom door!!”

 

Just had my water bill of $326 dropped on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can

supply a whole African village for just $4 a month: time to change supplier I think.

 

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

[Obsidian 10]

...After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

 

scientists are wasting money for nothing, they could have asked a bunch of married couples to find the answer in a couple of minutes :rofl:

[bobcollett 10]

This Aussie woman,pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her gynae.

After the exam, she shyly said....."My husband wants to know..."

Before she completed the question, the doctor placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder and said "I know, I know.I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy"

"Thats not it" the woman confessed."He wants to know if I can still mow the lawm".

[mike21 10]

....................................................

[SIUYA 11]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks..

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do...

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get

a new attorney?

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight..

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go

to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

 

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law

[Mysticforex 13]

An Irishman’s Tale

 

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell

phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife

has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man

just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks…like I said – my

boy’s a typical County Clare baby boy..”

 

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, “Say,

you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at

birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in

two weeks …how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

 

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened?” “He was 25 pounds

the day he was born.”

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on

his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

“Had him circumcised.”

[Obsidian 10]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

.......

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get

a new attorney?

 

I think you feel like this is the worst moment in your life...

[Mysticforex 13]

This gave me a laugh.

[Mysticforex 13]

First Class Blonde.

 

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

 

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

 

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

 

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

 

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

 

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

 

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

[Obsidian 10]

First Class Blonde....

 

isnt Merkel blonde?

[Mysticforex 13]

isnt Merkel blonde?

 

Yes ! and so is My Wife !:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Mysticforex 13]

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak

with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its

end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.

Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole

out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the

yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."

The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American!

I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

[Mysticforex 13]

Polish jokes cont.

 

 

 

1.Polish firing squad, stands in a circle.

 

2. New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.

 

3. Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions.

 

4. Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town

 

5. Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?

A. It chips their teeth.

 

 

6. Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear

hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR

LEFT" so they went home.

[Mysticforex 13]

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

 

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

 

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

 

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

 

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

 

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.

 

Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

 

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

 

While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

 

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

 

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

 

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

 

In between that I place a couple of trades, all winners of course. 100% of Fact.

[SIUYA 11]

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

 

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

 

this part of it just seemed so wrong!

[Mysticforex 13]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[khamore1 10]

Polish Dentist Pulls Out Ex-Boyfriend's Teeth

 

Beware a scorned woman with dental pliers. A Polish man learned this lesson the hard way when his dentist ex-girlfriend pulled out all his teeth during a surgery days after he'd dumped her for another woman.

 

"I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions," said Anna Machowiak, 34, who practices her trade in Wroclaw, Poland, according to the U.K.'s Daily Mail. "But when I saw him lying there, I just thought, 'What a bastard.'"

 

Machowiak then allegedly gave ex-boyfriend Marek Olszewski, 45, a large dose of anesthetic and yanked all his teeth out. She wrapped his head in a bandage to keep him from speaking when he came to and told him there had been some complications.

 

"I knew something was wrong because when I woke up I couldn't feel any teeth and my jaw was strapped up with bandages," Olszewski told the Daily Mail. "She told me my mouth was numb, and I wouldn't be able to feel anything for a while and that the bandage was there to protect the gums, but that I would need to see a specialist."

 

"I didn't have any reason to doubt her, I mean, I thought she was a professional," he said. "But when I got home, I looked in the mirror and couldn't f***king believe it. The b**ch had emptied my mouth."

 

Mackowiak is under investigation for medical malpractice and abusing the trust of a patient. She could face up to three years in prison. And Olszewski's new girlfriend has dumped him because he no longer has any teeth.

Also Read

[Obsidian 10]

Charlie Sheen Sues NY Strip Club for Naming VIP Room in His Honor

 

Claiming it could "damage his reputation", Charlie Sheen has taken legal action against a strip club who named a VIP room after him.

 

The club, Cheetah's, launched the Charlie Sheen Room where visitors could eat sushi from the bodies of pretty much naked dancers. The club opened the room after Sheen's now infamous drug-fueled meltdown last year that eventually got him fired from his role on Two and Half Men. Guests were charged $250 to dine in the room which is covered with photos of the actor from his career (which actually sounds pretty reasonable).

 

After being hit with a cease and desist letter telling them to take down Sheen's name, Sam Zherka of Cheetah's claimed he is stunned that Sheen thinks his reputation can be damaged.

 

Seriously? How could Charlie Sheen possibly think something as mild as this could further damage his rep? If anything, I think this is an awesome idea and he should probably be flattered. Given his track record with lots and lots of naked women this only seems appropriate...

[bobcollett 10]

Charlie Sheen Sues NY Strip Club for Naming VIP Room in His Honor

 

Claiming it could "damage his reputation", Charlie Sheen has taken legal action against a strip club who named a VIP room after him.

 

The club, Cheetah's, launched the Charlie Sheen Room where visitors could eat sushi from the bodies of pretty much naked dancers. The club opened the room after Sheen's now infamous drug-fueled meltdown last year that eventually got him fired from his role on Two and Half Men. Guests were charged $250 to dine in the room which is covered with photos of the actor from his career (which actually sounds pretty reasonable).

 

After being hit with a cease and desist letter telling them to take down Sheen's name, Sam Zherka of Cheetah's claimed he is stunned that Sheen thinks his reputation can be damaged.

 

Seriously? How could Charlie Sheen possibly think something as mild as this could further damage his rep? If anything, I think this is an awesome idea and he should probably be flattered. Given his track record with lots and lots of naked women this only seems appropriate...

 

Dear Alp

Sorry . I dont catch on!!

regards

bobc