Joke of The Day!

[Mysticforex 13]

You can't, it goes up with the number of posts.... so keep posting :o

[Tams 20]

How do I customize Trader IQ?

 

After paying a lot of "tuition", your Trader IQ will go up.

[Xiao si 10]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

 

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

 

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

 

“And what do you deduce from that?”

 

Watson ponders for a minute.

 

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

 

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

 

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[Xiao si 10]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”

[Xiao si 10]

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. On the island they found a genie who granted them a wish each. The brunette wished to be back home. The redhead wished the same. So the genie granted their wish and they were gone. Then the blonde said to the genie:

“I want my friends back.”:crap:

[Xiao si 10]

A blonde and a business man was sitting next to each other on a plane. The business man said to the blonde

“lets play a game. Every time i ask you a question and you cannot answer, you have to pay me five pounds. Every time you ask me a question and i cannot answer. I will have to give you fifty pounds” the blonde agreed. Confident he would win the business man asked the first question.

“who is Barrack Obama” the blonde gave him five pounds. He asked another question.

“what is the capital of India” she gave him five pounds again.

“okay now your turn” he said to the blonde.

“what goes up the hill with three legs and comes back down with four legs” she asked. The business man racked his brain, he looked it up on the internet and even called every person who was on his phone book on his mobile and still did not find the answer. He eventually gave up and gave her fifty pounds.

“What is the answer then” he asked, and she gave him five pounds.:rofl:

[Mysticforex 13]

Xiao si, don't stop you're on a roll......

[Xiao si 10]

So a fleeing Taliban rebel, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

 

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neck ties.

 

The Taliban asked, ‘Do you have water?’

 

The Jewish man replied, ‘I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $50.’

 

The Taliban shouted, ‘Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you right on the spot, but I must find water first!’

 

‘OK.’ said the old Jewish man, ‘It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.’

 

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

 

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

 

‘Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!’

[Xiao si 10]

A older man and his younger girlfriend were sitting in the urologist office and the nurse calls him back.

They meet with the Doctor and he asks what the problem is.

“Well, I really like this young lady here but I’m afraid my equipment is just not up to satisfying her. Can you do anything to help?”

The Doc replies, “We do have a new procedure that we can try but it is still in the experimental stages. I can graft a baby elephants trunk onto you that will replace what you were born with.”

The girl then said, “Oh God yes. You have to get that!”

After the surgery and recovery, the man is able to satisfy his young lover better than she could have ever dreamed. They decide to get married.

One night, they are having dinner with the girl’s parents to celebrate the engagement. Just after they are seated, the elephant trunk darts across the table, grabs a baked potato and disappears back under the table.

Shocked by what just happened, the girl’s father looked at his future son-in-law and said, “Do that again.”

The man replied, ” Well Sir, I would love to but I don’t think I can take another hot potato up my butt.”

[Mysticforex 13]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

 

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

 

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another

wish."

 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

 

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[Xiao si 10]

A guy phones home from work on his lunch break, and a strange woman picks up the phone. “who’s this?” he asks the woman. “I’m the maid of the house” she replies. “I don’t have a maid!”. “Well I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house” she says.

“I see, and where is the lady of the house?” asks the man angrily. “She’s in the bedroom upstairs with her husband” answers the maid. Now the man is furious “I’M HER DAMN HUSBAND” he yells angrily. “How would you like to make a quick $50,000?” he asks the maid. “sure, what would I have to do?” Controlling his rage, he instructs her, “go to my desk drawer, take my gun out, and shoot that cheating bitch and the guy she’s sleeping with!!”

The phone goes quiet for a minute, and eventually 2 gun shots ring out, and the maid comes back on the line. “what do I do with the bodies?” she asks. “go throw them in the pool” replies the man. “but you don’t have a pool” the maid says. There is a long pause and the man asks “is this (905)890-5508?” …..

[Xiao si 10]

An older married couple are waiting at a hotel lobby in Los Vegas, getting ready to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary, when a provocatively-dressed woman approaches the man. “hi there stranger, my name is Bambi, welcome to the Belagio Hotel” she purrs in a sexy voice. “Get out of my face you wench” yells the man, and the woman slinks away. “That wasn’t very nice” says the man’s wife; she was very polite, and you were very rude to her!” The man exclaims “That woman is a prostitute!” but his wife doesn’t believe him, no matter how hard he tries to convince her. Finally, he comes up with a plan. He tells his wife to go hide in the bathroom of their suite with the door ajar so that she can hear any conversation in the room. He then calls down to the front desk, and asks for Bambi to be sent to his room. A few minutes later, there’s a knock on the door, and Bambi comes in. “Hello Bambi, so how much do you charge for your services?” he asks her. “$200 per hour” she replies. “$200 per hour?!” The man looks shocked – “I was willing to go as high as $25 for the entire night” he sputters out in mock disbelief. “Well, you’re not going to get anything for that kind of money sir” she mutters. “Too bad” he replies “because that’s all I’m willng to offer you”. So with an angry scowl, she turns around and leaves the hotel room without another word. The wife comes out of the bathroom, and the two of them have a good laugh together, the husband had proved his point, and with that they retired for the night. The next morning, the husband and wife are enjoying their free continental breakfast down in the lobby of the hotel, when Bambi spots him. She walks over, puts her arm around the man’s shoulders, glances at the man’s wife, and then back at the husband and calmly says “you see what you get for $25 per night?”

[Xiao si 10]

Honestly, this one had me in tears...

 

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom..... but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited....Still nothing........ They searched the area for something larger and came upon an old railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

 

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat, when a man walked up to them.

 

He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that they had in fact and it had just jumped into the mine shaft right in front of them!!! The man replied, “Oh no, that couldn’t be my goat...... mine was tied to an old railroad tie.”

[Xiao si 10]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus.”

[Mysticforex 13]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the Street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the Walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and His boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the World are you dressed like this?”

 

The Cowboy says:

“We ll it’s like this Sheriff … I was in the Bar down the road and this pretty little red head Asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I Did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and Asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to Pull off my pants .. So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to Pull off my shorts .. So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind Of sexy and says, “Now go to town cowboy… “, And here I am.”

 

Son of a Gun……Blond Men do exist

[Mysticforex 13]

The Four Engineers:

 

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.

 

The car broke down.

 

The Mechanical Engineer said, “I think a rod broke.”

 

The Chemical Engineer said, “The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas.”

 

The Electrical Engineer said, “I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.”

 

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, “What do you think?”

 

The Computer Engineer said, “I think we should all get out and get back in.”

[Mysticforex 13]

TWO WOMEN - are having a coffee catching up:

 

 

So, how was your evening last night?

 

 

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?

 

 

 

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...

 

 

 

THEIR TWO MEN - meet at the pub...

 

 

 

So, how was your evening last night?

 

Incredible! When I came home, the food was just ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I love my wife, You?

 

 

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..k..g candles avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......disaster.

[henryduncan12 10]

There are really good and funny jokes. These jokes offer me some moment to smile. Thanks to all for sharing such funny jokes.

[Mysticforex 13]

If actions speak louder than words, why is the Pen mightier than the sword?

[Mysticforex 13]

....................................................................................................................................

[henryduncan12 10]

Hi Mysticforex, I think "Action Is Instant Solution Of Problem But Pen Is Permanent Solution Of Problem". Therefore Pen mightier than the sword.

[Mysticforex 13]

...stange how i have read this before, but only remembered a couple of facts ... lol

 

Where did “piss poor” come from?

Us older people need to learn something new every day…

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did “Piss Poor” come from?

Interesting History.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery…to get a penny, thus ‘spending a penny’ was if it went to waste behind a hedge.

If you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor”.

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot…

They “didn’t have a pot to piss in” and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature

Isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500′s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,

Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Only the wealthy could afford glass, the poor just had holes in the walls which the wind blew in called a ‘wind hole’ that today would be called a window.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals

(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings

Could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery

In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,

It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.

Hence: a thresh hold.

The master of the house always sat at the head of the board now known as a table, thus spawned ‘chairman of the board, side board, cup board

(Hope your not bored? Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables

And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers

In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.”

They would cut off a little to share with guests

And would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes,

so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.

Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around

and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,

“saved by the bell” or was “considered a dead ringer”.

And that’s the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

[Mysticforex 13]

Two skinny lawyers

I've been doing some research and came across these parallels. I think you'll find it pretty amazing.

 

 

I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln and Kennedy, but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and Lincoln?

 

You might be surprised...

 

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:

 

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his

inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

 

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois .

 

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

 

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

 

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

 

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

8. Lincoln was in the United States military. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

11. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

12. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest

Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer

 

14. Lincoln saved the United States . Obama is a

skinny lawyer .

 

Amazing, isn't it?

[Mysticforex 13]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?”

“No, “she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’”she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.”

The man asked, “And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” “The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

“I’d like her,” he said.

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’”

[Xiao si 10]

“but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’”

 

Hehe, reminds of Qantas, Air Canada on the long hauls...all flight attendants are senior battle axes with an edge to grind! Not like the young gals on the Asian carriers...

 

 

XS