Joke of The Day!

[Mysticforex 13]

I don't know about you, but I like a good joke. Let's face it, we're all wound up in the markets, sometimes a joke takes the edge off... or at least brings a smile to your face.

I'll start the ball rolling.

 

 

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who the best patients to operate on are.

 

The first surgeon, from New York says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

 

The second, from Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

 

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, No I really, think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

 

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: You know I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

 

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[ahimsa 10]

hello...right..and think that someone says again that the man is a politician being...

 

bye certenotti

[Cory2679 11]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

 

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

 

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

 

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

 

The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

 

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[Mysticforex 13]

Nice one Cory.

:o:o:o:o

[GlassOnion 12]

In the Computer Science Dept. at King’s College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.

All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.

So they thought they would test it out on several of the King’s faculty.

The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing, then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.

The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer (not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...) and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.

When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173. Not much happened -- just one little light, in the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed... Finally the computer said....

"So, how's the trading going?"

[Ingot54 13]

Young John had just completed high school in the bush, and was off to the city to college. He had a faithful cattle dog, 'Bluey', and insisted on taking the dog with him.

 

Of course, the attractions of city life were quite new to John, and during his out-of-college time, he spent-up rather big on enjoying it all.

 

Eventually, the money ran a bit low, and John was a bit short. He decided to ring his father for a little advance.

 

"Hello ... Dad? You will not believe what is happening here - Bluey is learning to play the piano."

 

"Go on, son. You're kidding me!"

 

"No, Dad, honestly - you should hear him. But the dog teacher had to be paid, and I am a bit short"

 

"No worries, John. The cheque's in the mail."

 

Well time went by, and John again got a bit short of money, and he decided to ring dad again for some money.

 

"Hi Dad. Bluey is so advanced that he is now playing the piano and dancing at the same time. He is a big hit down here. But the extra lessons are not cheap."

 

"Don't worry son, the cheque's in the mail. It's a good thing you got going there with Bluey."

 

John was happy until the day came for him to go home. He knew he had to face the family with a dog that could neither dance nor play the piano.

 

The day he got off the train, Dad was waiting there to meet him.

 

"Where's Bluey?" said Dad, "I was hoping to watch a performance."

 

"Well Dad, Bluey became so advanced, that he began to talk. We used to have long conversations about the things we've seen and done. One night he told me about you and that little red-haired sheila down at the pub, and he told me what you and her ..."

 

"Crikey, John," interrupted Dad, "I hope you shot him!"

 

"Yes, Dad, I did. I sure did. "

[Ingot54 13]

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

 

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in South Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the South Dakota Three Kick Rule."

 

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

 

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

 

"Now, since this is MY property, I reserve the right to take the first 3 kicks," to which the lawyer readily agreed.

 

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

 

I love this part .....

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The old farmer smiled and said:

 

"Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[GlassOnion 12]

Jack's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.

"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first?"

[Ingot54 13]

My wife asked me this morning: "What are you doing today?"

 

I replied: "Nothing "

 

She said: "That's what you did yesterday!"

 

I said: "Yeah. I'm not finished."

[Ingot54 13]

Reminded of the very elderly lady whose husband had just passed away.

 

The officiating minister at the funeral was a bit stuck for words to

comfort the old lady after the ceremony, but finally managed to come out with:

 

"Your husband lived to be a very ripe old age ... 98 wasn't he? And

how old are you?"

 

"97," she replied, "Hardly seems worth going home, does it?"

[GlassOnion 12]

Easily the best joke of the decade

 

A young man moved into a new apartment of his

own and went to the lobby to put his name on his

mailbox.

 

While there, an attractive young lady came out

of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a

robe.

 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she

started a conversation with him.

 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it

was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor

kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye

contact.

 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on

his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear

someone coming."

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed

the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to

fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you

say is my best feature?"

 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally

squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My

ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100%

natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm

and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my

body is my ears?"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....

that was me."

__________________

[Mysticforex 13]

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?...................

 

 

 

 

One. But the light bulb has to really want to change.

Edited February 14, 2011 by Mysticforex
spelling

[jarrel 10]

LoL the jokes are sure funny really made me laugh thanks guys

[GlassOnion 12]

....................................................................................................................................

[SIUYA 11]

Glass onion...the other day i passed an office here in sydney that had that exact same Cartoon painted on the wall of their office in a big mural.....Clarity Capital.....an apt cartoon for the the name

[GlassOnion 12]

The Support Staff at Traderslaboratory.

[GlassOnion 12]

Very, Very, Funny!

 

http://www.youtube.com/user/malekanoms#p/u/9/PTUY16CkS-k

[MightyMouse 12]

Two S&P Pit traders are organizing themselves before the open of trading and one asks the other, " what did you end up doing yesterday?" The other replies, "I got a dog for my wife." The first trader says" Good Trade!"

[GlassOnion 12]

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

 

The American complimented the Greek on the quality of his fish and asked, "How long does it take to catch them?" The Greek replied: "Only a little while."

 

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Greek said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

 

The Greek fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends, I have a full and busy life."

 

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.

 

Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.

 

You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens, then London and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

 

The Greek fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-25 years."

 

"But what then?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

 

"Millions ... Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends."

[MightyMouse 12]

Two lawyers are walking through the woods and they hear the roar of a lion. Lawyer #1 starts running and stops when he sees that #2 is sitting on the ground. Frantic, #1 says to #2, "What are you doing?" #1 calmly replies" I am putting my running shoes on." #1 then says," what are you crazy? you can't outrun a lion!" While tying his last shoelace, #2 looks at #1 and says" I don't have to outrun the lion. All I have to do is outrun you."

[torni88 10]

Honorable MEN

 

 

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

 

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a

man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

 

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a

river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord

appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

 

 

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he

needed the axe to make his living.

 

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

 

The woodcutter replied, "No."

 

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your

axe?" the Lord asked.

 

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

 

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your

axe?" the Lord asked.

 

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three

axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

 

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the

riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the

Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

 

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

 

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is

this your wife?" the Lord asked.

 

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

 

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a

misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You

would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you

would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have

given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take

care

of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

 

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and

honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

 

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE

MEN!!!!!!"

[MightyMouse 12]

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

 

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

 

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

 

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

 

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

 

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

 

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two whores."

[GlassOnion 12]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

 

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

 

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

 

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down close to the interviewer and says "What would you like it to equal?"

[Tams 20]

[Mysticforex 13]

How To Really Impress a Client.

 

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a few years ago

when I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a

drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to

Seattle, but he was running a little bit late. Well, being a

straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman,

introduced myself, and said, “Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a

favor.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sitting right over there,” pointing to my seat at the bar, and I’m

waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when he

arrives as to come walk by and just say, ‘Hi, Ray,’?”

“Sure.”

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and

started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on

my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

“Hi, Ray,” he said.

I replied, “F*** off, Gates, I’m in a meeting.”